What About Teenagers?

I've gotten several emails asking about teenaged boys and home education. I have three teenaged boys, and each of them is pursuing a unique education dictated by his needs, talents and interests. There was a time when I thought that the preceding sentence qualified me as an unschooler, but I've long since given up that term. I've found that it means different things to different people and I'm very particular about wanting my words to have the same meaning for me as my reader, so that term doesn't work. I'm going to avoid terms altogether and just tell you what the boys are doing.

Michael is in college, playing Division I soccer at a state university. He's majoring in journalism and art and he's particularly blessed by one of the most amazing Campus Ministries in the country and the friendship of a very good priest. For high school, he charted his own course of study which was heavily influenced by things that were mutually interesting to him and me. We tend to have the same gifts and the same nemeses (though he's a much more gifted artist than I'll ever be and much funnier writer). We had a grand time together with literature and writing and philosophy and theology and art. He avoided math like the plague. I followed the advice of unschooling experts and allowed him to wait until he saw a need for it. He saw that need when he recognized that he really needed SAT scores to substantiate his high school portfolio. And he has told me more than once that he wishes I'd made him plug away earlier, however distasteful, because math for him is really all about plugging his nose and getting it done. He wishes he'd had the discipline. It was really hard, nearly impossible, to cram it all in when he wanted it. He says the same thing about formal grammar study.

Otherwise, Michael was a voracious reader. He had wide interests and read deeply across curricular areas. He owns the classics in literature, history, philosophy, and theology and he's really quite intimate with them. When he applied to college, we organized all the books he'd read and narrations he'd written and found he'd nicely covered most conventional school subjects. His SAT scores were lopsided--math was average and verbal was out of the park. All the schools he applied to required a standard number and mix of typical high school courses and he worked hard his junior and senior year to make sure he had them.He was accepted everywhere he applied except for one school. That school does not consider essays, interviews, or letters of recommendation. They were uninterested in his portfolio of course descriptions, booklists and personal work samples. They only wanted to know his SAT scores, his course selection (but not in the unconventional sense) and his class rank and GPA. Clearly, not the right fit for him. During high school, he took lab sciences at the local community college for dual credit and did very well. He also took some history and art classes and did well in those, too. He learned to plan and organize his use of time and energy and to balance school demands with a heavy soccer commitment. So, college wasn't a shock when he went fulltime.  Actually, he's got enough credits to be a sophomore now and has yet to get anything less than an "A." He's happy enough, though eager to graduate and get on with his real life.

Christian is nearly sixteen. Academics have always been a challenge to him. He loves a good story--can read it it well enough and can tell it beautifully, but he'd prefer to hear it and he's most grateful for someone to take dictation when he composes. He has a litany of legitimate learning disability diagnoses and his math "thing" is excruciating. Christian has a heart of gold and he's an extraordinary teacher and coach. He' s truly got a way with children. He's enrolled with Kolbe Academy, mostly because I panicked in January and wanted to be sure that we have an official transcript for him should anyone ever question what we're doing here. One February afternoon when I was literally in tears wondering how we were going to get through high school, my counselor from Kolbe called. Divine Providence, no less. It was so nice to talk to someone who had homeschooled her own children and could refer to her seventh-grade grandchild who was a homeschooler with special needs. With Christian, I need the support of someone older, wiser, and more experienced.

Christian dislikes pencils and paper. It's hard to sit still, hard to make his hands do what his head is thinking. Hard. Hard. Hard. We make good use of discussion and Teaching Company videos. We adapt plans from Mother of Divine Grace and Kolbe; we work together constantly. He begs for structure. He doesn't want to plan his own curriculum or to have to make decisions. Instead, he wants to know what the clear expectations are and how he's going to get from here to there. He wants my reassurance that it can be done. Real Learning for Christian is all about knowing him well enough to know when to push and when to pick him up and carry him.

Patrick is thirteen and he's academically gifted. All those math problems? No problem. He's probably better at math than I am already (please don't tell him that). "School" comes easily to him. But Patrick has another gift that overshadows any academic gifts and makes his high school plan even more unique that the first two. Patrick is an extraordinary soccer player. He plays on the state and regional Olympic Development teams. He's on his way to big, big things. Patrick wants to go to Bradenton, Florida and train fulltime with the Junior National Team. It's only of passing interest to him that there is a boarding school affiliated with the training camp. He couldn't care less about school. He believes that he will kick his way to fame and fortune and be set for life before he's twenty-five. Our challenge with Patrick is to appreciate his gifts and support his quest to live his dream while still ensuring that he not close doors. Patrick doesn't understand that an injury will make him a mere mortal in the blink of an eye.

My husband and I take our responsibility to educate our children very seriously. We're not handing Patrick over to be developed morally or academically by soccer coaches far from us. We are also learning that a kid with an athletic gift that isn't being fully developed is much like the gifted child in an ordinary classroom who becomes the troublemaker. So, we struck a deal. We agreed that Patrick could begin high school work early and that once he finished a complete high school course of study, as long as he was sixteen or older and he could win a full grant, he could go train. He can accelerate himself through as quickly as he wants. While he is studying here, we will pursue every soccer opportunity we can within reason.

For Patrick and me, it was important that this deal include a third party. He needs to know I'm not the one directing what constitutes a complete high school curriculum. I need to not be the bad guy, holding him back from Bradenton by requiring him to jump through hoops. Again, Kolbe is the right choice for us (with the inclusion of several of MODG courses). It's an objective list to be completed. Patrick has no desire to direct his academic choices. None. It's the weirdest thing. All he wants is to play soccer. But we don't want him to limit himself by his ignorance. We know that the real world demands self-discipline. We also know that the academics of high school will stand him in good stead when he is navigating that world. And, mostly, we know that he's not finished with the big questions of theology and philosophy we want him to ponder. By finely tuning exactly what we think the most important things are and requiring that he be disciplined enough to study those things (though he has no apparent interest in them), we are requiring a certain maturity. If he can behave with that maturity over time and complete this task, it will go a long way towards preparing him to be on his own to pursue his dream at a young age.   He's not wise enough to see right now that a solid education in academics and a complete saturation in knowledge of the faith will be a good thing when things get bumpy later. And they will. They always do.

So there you go. Is it unschooling? I don't know, but I do know school wouldn't work for any of my teenagers, so whatever you call it, I'm grateful for the opportunity.

Please Pick up Your Socks!

For the person who googled "elizabeth+foss +pick+up+ your+ socks," are you the same person who googled "elizabeth+foss'+ husband" last week? He does not pick up his socks with any regularity, but he does fold the dirty ones together before leaving them wherever. Children are a different story, however, and I think you might be looking for this article on obedience. I'll paste it here. Thanks for the reminder!

"Patrick,pick up your socks and put them in the hamper." "Why?" questions my seven–year-old as he kicks the socks across the room. "Because I’m the Mommy and I asked you to," I reply firmly. "O-B-E-Y! Obey your mom and dad! O-B-E-Y it makes ‘em very glad. Listen to the words they say. Obey your parents everyday!" My five-year-old daughter is singing exuberantly, glad to help my cause.

There was a time when I would have explained that the socks need to be in the hamper in order for them to get to the washer and dryer so that they would get clean and he could wear them again. But I am quite certain Patrick knows and understands the laundry system in our house. So, I get to the heart of the matter. His heart. So much of child-rearing is character training and little children need to learn to obey. They need to be trained to answer affirmatively to authority.

We require obedience. We insist on obedience and we work day after day, every single day, to ensure obedience. When we ask a child to do something, we are polite. But we are firm. We embrace the fact that we are in authority over our children. God put us there and our children need us there. We teach them truth. We teach them that God’s laws are absolute and we require them to obey those absolute laws. For a child, the first law is "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." The only reason we need to give our children is: For this is right. God says so. We don’t shrink from our authoritative role. Rather we see it as a gift.

One of my favorite educators, Charlotte Mason, writes "Authority is not only a gift but a grace … Authority is that aspect of love which parents present to their children; parents know it is love, because to them it means continual self-denial, self-repression, self-sacrifice: children recognize it as love, because to them it means quiet rest and gaiety of heart. Perhaps the best aid to the maintenance of authority in the home is for those in authority to ask themselves daily that question which was presumptuously put to our Lord — ‘Who gave thee this authority?’"

Of course, God did. And by golly, we better be grateful good stewards of that gift. Let’s unpack the quote a little. To train our children, we must deny ourselves. We can’t administer occasional bursts of punishment and expect a good result. We must instead be incessantly watchful, patiently forming and preserving good habits. This means we are attentive and active. Those are habits to cultivate in ourselves.

To rid ourselves of bad habits, Mason suggests we replace them with virtuous ones. I know that in my house, my children misbehave a good deal when I have been on the phone or in front of the computer too much. They misbehave when routines slack off and meals are not given enough thought. They misbehave when bedtime isn’t observed or they are overprogrammed and too busy. They misbehave when I am inattentive or lazy or tired or inconsistent. Those are bad habits. I must consciously replace them with attention and diligence and action and consistent sleep.

Children recognize the Biblical living of our authority as love because it is love. Children who consistently misbehave are begging for moral guidance and a strong anchor. They are crying (or whining as the case may be) for someone to be in authority. As they grow, the real tangible relationship with the authority that is the parent flowers into full-blown relationship with God and an eager willingness to obey Him as an adult.

The life of an adult Christian is not easy. You can expect that as you train your children for that life, there will be some unhappiness. But that unhappiness is nothing compared to the quiet rest and joyful peace that comes with being right with God.

Since the first publication of these thoughts of mine on obedience, several parents have asked how to make a child obey. First, we don’t want blind obedience; we want the child to be inspired to obey because he believes it is right. We want virtuous obedience. We want to train the habit of control, doing what is right because it is right.

Children need to learn to focus on God’s will, not their own and on a Spirit-inspired control, not a self-control. It is easy to be controlled by oneself. It is hard to die to oneself and live for God.

The Holy Spirit will inspire, lead and give strength and wisdom to the child who is taught to listen to the whispers of his God. This Spirit-inspired control enables children to do work — to finish their chores, to be diligent in their learning, to be reliable volunteers, to stick to a marriage even when it is hard. They can do their duty. They can answer their call. They can control their tempers, their anger. They can work a little harder. "I ought" is enabled by "I will."

I do not agree with authors who think we need to spank the will into submission. I do not agree with those who suggest that every desirable behavior be correlated to star charts and complicated reward systems. I’m not a big fan of "time-out." Usually, a child who is misbehaving needs more of his parent’s attention. He doesn’t need to be sent away unless it’s for very short moment where both child and parent cool off before meeting to discuss and remedy the situation. And I do not agree with the experts who suggest we pinch our child so hard that the "strong-willed child" becomes weak. We want strong-willed children. That’s right: children who give in to their own whims and desires are actually weak-willed. They need strength training.

Training children in right habits strengthens their wills. Maturity is making right choices. We want our children to have strong wills for doing what is right — strong wills for doing God’s will. Crushing the will is not training the will. Training requires a relationship between parent and child. It requires patience and persistence on the part of both parent and child. When you train a child, you both grow in virtue.

I am not asserting that corporal punishment is wrong. I am asserting that it should not be necessary. Charlotte Mason writes of this eloquently:

Discipline does not mean a birch-rod, nor a corner, nor a slipper, nor a bed, nor any such last resort of the feeble. The sooner we cease to believe in merely penal suffering as part of the divine plan, the sooner will a spasmodic resort to the birch-rod die out in families. We do not say the rod is never useful; we do say it should never be necessary. …Discipline is not punishment — What is discipline? Look at the word; there is no hint of punishment in it. A disciple is a follower, and discipline is the state of the follower, the learner, imitator. Mothers and fathers do not well to forget that their children are by the very order of Nature, their disciples. … He who would draw disciples does not trust to force; but to these three things — to the attraction of his doctrine, to the persuasion of his presentation, to the enthusiasm of his disciples; so the parent has teachings of the perfect life which he knows how to present continually with winning force until the children are quickened with such zeal for virtue and holiness as carries them forward with leaps and bounds (Parents and Children, pg. 66).

We don’t want self-controlled children. We want children who are controlled by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit — children who hear and answer the Lord. We need to give children choices within limits but we need to teach them how and why to choose right. We need to train their hearts and educate their minds. When they are fully informed of the consequences of their actions, we need to allow free will, just as our heavenly Father does.

In order to train the child’s will in this manner, parents must lay down their lives for them. They must be willing to spend large amounts of time engaged with them. They must believe that children are educated by their intimacies and they must ensure that the child is intimate with what is good and noble and true. And when the child needs correction, the parent must educate in the truest sense of the word. She must teach. Our children are created in the image and likeness of God. If she looks at the child, sees Christ in his eyes and disciplines accordingly, she will train her children well.

Reality

The "M" post isn't going to happen this week. When we began Serendipity, we invited y'all to come along with us as we presented in Real Time what was happening in our learning rooms in Real Life. We warned that the kids came first and you'd get the overflow. We also knew that we'd tweak along the way and honestly, I considered that to be an important part of the endeavor. This way, you can really see how it works over time, in real life. For years, I've gotten mail asking about the nitty-gritty. What if curriculum choices aren't working for you? What if you're sick? What if the children are sick? What if? What if? What if?

It hasn't been smooth sailing. One of us decided that none of Serendipity was really working for her. That left me to tinker a bit on my own. I heard from several of you who were enthused and we've been working hard to re-write the stories to better suit our families, to update the PDFs, to add more art, more music(coming later), and geography. I've written new grammar lessons. I've learned from Rebecca's botany lessons. We've done the tweaking thing and now we're good to go.

Except now, my baby is sick and I know this February thing well enough to know that this virus is unlikely to stop here. So, what happens when someone is sick? Depends. This time, I'm going reap the benefits of the hours and hours I've spent over the last couple of weeks revising lesson plans on the Alphabet Path.I'm going to go back to letters A-L and print out the new stories and review them with my early readers. I'm going to gather all the books recommended in the Faith sections of all those weeks and focus on reading those this week. I'm going to go back to the A-L read alouds lists and re-read those. People who are well enough will narrate.People who are well enough will do some new grammar lessons. People who are well enough will organize existing geography narrations alphabetically and consult the master list to see what comes next. And there are always those workbooks, should I need them. There is plenty here that is useful and educational and worthy. Designing one's own real books curriculum does not leave you empty-handed during the "what if" times as long as you are able to bend and stretch as necessary.

And, I'm going to perfect the art of making orange ice with one hand, while balancing a toddler on my hip.I'm going to spend hours and hours rocking sweet Karoline while reading aloud to her siblings. Chances are good I'm going to watch a whole lot of Signing Time and Little Einsteins.  Real Life Homeschool. We're blessed indeed.

I sure would appreciate a prayer or two offered for the gang of us.

Answering Questions

I'm taking a few moments this morning to answer some of the questions which have been collecting dust in my inbox. (It's just virtual dust and for that I'm very grateful because I have way more than enough actual dust in my house. If someone tries to sell you a labradoodle and says he doesn't shed, don't believe him. He sheds great big dust bunnies and they multiply like bunnies, too. But I digress.) Here are some answers to some questions:

Sarah writes: The Along the Alphabet Path unit study looks great and will likely also interest at least one of my three younger daughters as well, but it is a completely different approach to school than we have been taking and I am a little nervous for some strange reason!  Can we just pick up with A week and move on each week from there?  Will the rest of the weeks remain accessible so we can keep moving along, obviously weeks behind you?
I'm using the Alphabet Path with my own children. It's a real-time representation of what we're doing. It is all archived at Serendipity. You can click on the sidebar link under "Categories:  Along the Alphabet Path" and access all the letters so far.  Start with A anytime and move at your own pace:-). As long as you don't move ahead of me, the lessons will be there when you need them.

Lisa writes: Where did you get the wooden figures in your Lent post?
Lisa, they are from Worship Woodworks.

Collette writes: Where do you get your patterns for your gnomes?  I have a ton of them and they do not look like yours when I try to do them.  Several nature table pictures have been so wonderful and I would love to do that with my 3 homeschool girls but I usually need something as a guide.  Do you have all the pictures of crafting somewhere on your blog or do you follow a certain book?  I would love to know where your materials are purchases as well.  Thanks for any help you can provide.

Collette, there is a tutorial here for making gnomes.These are Katherine's gnomes. My gnomes have painted bodies and felt capes. I think it's nice that they are all a little different--gives them the character of the families who made them! For crafting materials, the sidebar links on the left here under "With an Eye Towards Beauty" should get you started.

Lynn writes: I didn't save all the tea time recipes at Serendipity and now the links are broken, do you have them? Also, what happened to the "Pages" at Serendipity, where all the lessons were in chronological order? And, yesterday, I was working from one plan and when I went back an hour later, the story and the plans were all different.

I had hoped to fix the recipe links before anyone was inconvenienced and I do apologize. I'm working on making sure that all the recipe links work. Because I had a whole lot of lesson revisions to do, I opted to turn my attention there first. Now, all the lessons reflect the use of An Alphabet of Catholic Saints and you will find that the "Faith" section is much fuller and richer. We will still get to know the saints in the Letters from Heaven book, but they will be a part of a bigger selection of saints' stories. My guess Lynn, is that you were working with the lesson at the same time I was working on the lesson. I updated as I wrote. The "Pages" disappeared because I want to have all the links fixed before I go back and redo the "Pages" to reflect the new lessons. Hopefully, I will get to that in the very near future. In the meantime, the "Categories: Along the Alphabet Path" archives is all caught up, with the exception of PDF files and those are coming along.We are also going to add more music, art, and geography very soon, but they will have posts of their own. And if anyone has replacement recipes to send me for broken links, feel free to send them along. I'm a little overwhelmed here;-)

A reader writes:
My biggest fear comes from all the experiences I read about from those who use the CM method. Where in the world do you all find the time to do it all? I suppose this is the part of me that really needs an orderly "show and tell" of what a week of CM looks like. Your book certainly helps, but a sample "grid" of what a day/week is like would really help my brain:-)
And another writes: How in the world do you do it all?
Let's make one thing clear right away: I don't do it all. I don't even know what "it all" is. For everything you see here that I've done, and even just the act of recording what was done, there is something that went undone. I have no magic way to work against the natural laws of time. It's all about choices. I choose to do this instead of that, whatever "this" and "that" are. My prayer is that I leave the right things undone. Sometimes, I think I choose wisely and well; other times, I definitely do not. And those are the times I beg forgiveness and pay the consequences of natural law.

Now, let's look at the fears of a literature-based method. I've tinkered with all sorts of schedules and many of our days are recorded here. A sampling of schedules from the fall is in this post. I'm finding that needs to be tweaked again and when I have the spring schedule hammered out, I'll share that, too. There will be holes in any curriculum. No curriculum includes every good thing. At the end of each and every "school" day, I ask myself if the children read something good and/or listened to me read it to them, and if they wrote something and/or had me record for them, and if they used their brains mathematically at all. If they did, that's a good day--maybe not great, but good. Forward progress was made. The fourth "R" is religion, I know, but much of our learning about God and his Church is not within the confines of the "school" day. I know they will encounter God in the every day living of the liturgy in our home. So, if on a "bare minimum" school day, we do no formal catechesis, I don't worry--we'll still know, love, and serve Him on that day.

Chris writes:"With the alphabet study, is that geared toward first grade or kindergarten? How do you incorporate your lessons to include the older children.I am sure with 8 children you must have some way of combining items instead of using 8 different lesson plans?

There is so much in the Alphabet Path, that there are rabbit trails enough for everyone. My bigger boys aren't drawing fairies or coloring letters. They are doing pages in notebooks for each of the flowers studied. They are also following these botany plans, these herbs studies,  and these botany activities(they are not Boy Scouts; this is just a very comprehensive list of things that every child should know and do regarding plants in their world). They are still studying the pictures with us for picture study. The Lively Language Lessons include both review and advanced grammar concepts. They are thorough and interesting even to my oldest children. We've been studying fairy tales as a literature genre and using written narrations to work on grammar concepts. With the oldest children, I'm also moving from straight narration of a story to literary analysis. And we plan a unit on Tolkein and Lewis to follow the fairy tale unit. When a particular book or assignment stretches across age levels, I combine. When it doesn't, everyone does his own thing. There is plenty here for everyone, each at his own level.

Chris continues: The other thing i was wondering is: Do you have a rhythm of your day posted someplace on the blog site? Would it fall under organization? I really want to incorporate more prayer time for myself and the kids and would love some examples of how it all fits together.
I linked some schedule examples above. For recent thoughts on prayer, you might read this. And here is something from last year.

That's all for now! If I didn't get to your question, I thought it was personal enough that you didn't want a blog answer. Or, I lost it; send it again!

In Real Life

Way back when the school year was still in the planning stages, Rebecca and I decided that we'd brainstorm together for "Tea and a Craft" ideas. We both agreed that we wanted the simplicity of a tea time and craft activity suitable to active boys and busy girls. And we both knew that Dawn's archives was a treasure trove of simple, yet meaningful afternoons throughout the liturgical year. So, we figured we'd start there and add and tweak as the year went along, bouncing ideas off each other and enjoying the synergy of friendship. We also knew that we wanted to add a good bit of beauty and, particularly, handicrafts, to our children's lives. So, those plans were "written in" as well (they were actually keyboarded and sent back and forth in endless emails and blogged a bit, too).
We've been sharing most of our learning plans, sending books back and forth between Virginia and Ohio for perusal, and chatting often on the phone. Rebecca's also been on an inspiring de-cluttering tear of late, and it's rubbed off a bit on me. With some other friends, we're talking about how to discern the  the best when you are surrounded by too much that is good, but not necessarily holy. And a dozen times a month or more, I'd have these planning conversations or clutter conversations or knitting conversations with Rebecca and I'd whine a little bit. "If only you were here, this would all be so much better!" And so, on a week that was destined to be gloomy (Michael went back to school and Mike left for the Super Bowl), God smiled on me and a minivan Gypsy Caravan pulled up at my house! We drank endless cups of tea and talked and talked and talked. Our children got to know one another. We sorted through my books and gathered bags and boxes of giveaways (aren't I the most gracious hostess?). We actually did one of those tea and craft ideas of Dawn's together! We made orange snowballs and had orange spiced tea in honor of Our Lady of Altagracia. All the children made pretty bookmarks with an orange theme and an image of Our Lady.In real life. Both of our families together in one place.
And, wonder of wonder, Rebecca taught us to knit. I still don't know how to purl, but Mary Beth does and she has actually finished two washcloths since Rebecca's departure.
I am grateful for the internet. In the nine years since I've been online, I've met so many good people and learned so many good things. I am also painfully aware of the pitfalls of the internet. I know how limiting an online friendship can be and how necessary the human voice and--better yet--the human touch is for a true friendship of trust and understanding. Computers are such a gift and can be such a blessing for our families and the world of blogging and message boards can be a place of community and friendship. This is an unprecedented world, though, one where we tread a bit cautiously as we seek to understand the limitations and the pitfalls of relationships begun in cyberspace. I'm still new at this, but I think the key to true and deep friendships is that both parties are real. If blogs and emails are "the real deal" and phone calls and letters and packages reveal even more of the real person, then the in-real-life transition is not a surprise at all. Instead, it's a blessing and relief. At last, we are able to see and hear and touch all at the same time. And we can revel in the easy companionship of an in real life and forever friend.God bless Rebecca!