It Takes Courage to Encourage

I received an note not too long ago that was an exceptional glimpse into the thoughts of some of my readers. Just a few lines that accidentally ended up in my inbox. They weren't intended for me at all and, yet, there they were.  They taught me so much. I consider that note a great blessing and I'm grateful for the insight.

Among other things, the woman who penned the note remarked that before an author published a book of small steps towards virtue she should be sure that she can do them or that she has done them already.

I promise you that I cannot do every step in my book on any given day. I can do all of them at one time or another. I can do most of them on the days for which they were written. But I will never hit them all just right. Not on this side of heaven.

And the book wasn't designed that way.

All the small steps in our book have been done by Danielle or by me at one time or another. None of the small steps in the book are done by both of us all the time. We falter. We stumble on this path towards heaven and sometimes we even fall. If I were to wait until I'd perfectly mastered all those virtues--all those steps--all the time, I'd never publish. And if I had to be absolutely certain when I ponder an idea here that I can perfectly master it--or even that I should--this screen would be mostly blank.

Instead, I think aloud about peaceful, happy, holy family life and I wonder with you how to step heavenward.

 

That takes courage. It takes courage when I know that there are people who will take my own admission of my brokenness and use it to tear me down further. It takes courage to tell you that I am a mess and to trust that you won't despise me for it. And it takes courage to keep writing even in the face of some people who do exactly that. It takes courage to send the words of my heart out into the world.  I am not, by nature, courageous. I pray daily for courage.

We wrote Small Steps to encourage. That was our primary goal. We had seen the fierce competition and unfavorable comparisons among women and we genuinely desired to come alongside and walk together towards a common goal. A goal of peaceful, happy, holy women.

So, we looked towards the saints, those holy men and women who have gone before us. And we were grateful that they wrote, despite their doubts and struggles and imperfections. They shared their brokenness; they wondered aloud. They left us with a treasure trove of wisdom. The church assures us that they did not struggle in vain. And she encourages us to dip into the font of their wisdom. So we did.

We also composed prayers. There is no greater privilege than to pray with you. When I open my book to any given day, I know that you might be praying that prayer, too. And Jesus tells me that when two or more of us are gathered in His name, He is there. There with us. Stepping beside us. In our midst. (Matthew 18:20)

And yes, there are action items. Little things that we know will add up to great strides over the course of the year, little steps that we know from our our experience to be valuable. Sometimes, we hit them all just right. Sometimes, as on the day about which the email was written, we stumble and fall. I wrote the words that I eventually read on that day. And I lived them as well as I possibly could--because I believed that step to be a valuable one. And then, I told you that I failed to meet the ideal. I told you so that if you failed on that day too, you would find comfort in not being alone. I told you so that you could pray for me as I dusted off and began again. And I told you so that I could also tell you that I persevered. That the next day was better. That yesterday was awesome. I told you so that I could encourage you. That was the whole point.

We encourage when we invite another woman into our home for a cup of tea and word of friendship, even though there might be stacks of folded laundry on the dining room table, even though the only cookies we have to offer were bought from the grocery's day-old table yesterday. It takes courage to admit we don't have it all together, all the time. We ask her in and invite her to share her heart, letting her see the sometimes ragged edges of our own. We encourage when we confide that we, too, struggle and yet we also claim the ultimate victory that is ours in Christ. We admit that we are sinners in need of a savior. And she feels welcome. She is not made to feel judged or reproved by some unattainable icon, but loved by a fellow saint on a journey. She will come again; she will invite you into the corners of her home, knowing that you will see her heart and not her shortcomings. Together, we will take small, but meaningful, steps

Genuine encouragement grants grace. Grace is our topic for May. Genuine encouragement is gentle. Gentleness is our topic for June.

I pray that we can continue to give support, confidence, and hope to one another, even though it makes us vulnerable. I pray for the courage to encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thes 5:11).

Small Steps focuses on courage this month. Would you share your thoughts with us, let us find you and walk with you? I'd be so grateful and so honored to have you as a companion. Please leave a link to your blog post below and then send your readers back here to see what others have said.You're welcome to post the Small Steps Together banner button also.

Small Steps Together: Mother Courage

I think back to those times: a little girl undergoing one surgery after another to construct an ear that was never there; a young mother facing chemotherapy and uncertainty; a mother of many warned by doctors that she could die delivering the baby she carried. In each instance, people commended my courage. But those weren't instances of courage to me. They were just doing what had to be done.

Courage was what I'd beg of God when I just couldn't keep breathing on my own, when my breath caught and I needed God just to exhale. Courage was my prayer when I let my teenagers go out into that great big world. What I wanted was to keep them home, hold them close, protect them forever. As my big boys began to march forth into life, they walked around with pieces of my heart inside of them. Suddenly, I was vulnerable. I saw that they were going to be hurt and I was going to watch them suffer. There was no way around it. They would make mistakes and get hurt. They would learn about what's out there in a fallen world, and get hurt. They would meet many, many people and some of them would hurt them. Nothing was ever so simple as it was when they were babies in my arms. Then, I could gather them up and soothe their hurts, chase away their fears, make every little thing “all better” just by my presence.  But as they grew, I found myself praying for courage. I began to understand that, for mothers, the heroic effort is in letting them go.

It's not so much that I wanted them to be little again. To want that would have been to wish away the beautiful people they had grown to be, to wish away years of loving and living together. No, instead, I wanted to be the mother I was when they were babies. I wanted the power to gather them on my lap and soothe them as I rocked. I wanted to shelter and protect and to be their whole world. I wanted to be able to ensure that their days were happy and healthy and holy. I wanted to cradle them in the protection of my arms. I wanted to love them with all my heart. And I wanted that to be enough. Instead, I must remember that for all their lives, my calling is to have the courage to love them, knowing that they will leave, and trusting that God will care for them more tenderly than I ever could.

Mothering older children takes courage, because just as sure as the sun will rise, so will there be trouble in the lives of our children. I am left to storm heaven on their behalf and to thank the Lord for the gift they are.I shore myself up for the years of mothering that lie ahead by reminding myself of the words of Blessed Mary MacKillop: Whatever troubles may be before you, accept them bravely, remembering Whom you are trying to follow. Do not be afraid. Love one another, bear with one another, and let charity guide you all your life. God will reward you as only He can. 

~republished from Small Steps Companion Journal

Small Steps focuses on courage this month. Would you share your thoughts with us, let us find you and walk with you? I'd be so grateful and so honored to have you as a companion. Please leave a link to your blog post below and then send your readers back here to see what others have said.You're welcome to post the Small Steps Together banner button also.

Small Steps Together: Encourage One Another

Courage--noun : mental or moral strength to venture , persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.

Encourage--transitive verb a : to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope : hearten <she was encouraged to continue by her early success> b : to attempt to persuade : urge <they encouraged him to go back to school>

April's Small Steps entries are devoted to Courage; actually; they are Danielle's and my attempts to encourage you (and us) to be courageous. In our family, encouraging is highly encouraged. One of my most quoted Bible verses is "Encourage on another and build each other up!" (1 Thessalonians 5:11) Actually, that's not entirely true. The verse is

[11] Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing (RSV)

but--ahem--the "just as you are doing" part doesn't really fit. Because, they are not doing it--not so much. The boys, especially, are given to jostling for postition, asserting their superiority, and tearing their siblings down in the process. It's very disconcerting and not a little disappointing for a mother to witness. I want nothing more than for them to be good to one another, to be each other's staunchest supporters and greatest advocates. I keep reminding myself that they are children and I keep reminding them of the verse.

Sometimes, they nail it. I'll see them sincerely lift one of our own. Most often, it's an older sibling who encourages a younger one. That's the easier, more natural inclination. It does a heart good to witness a big boy say just the right thing to a little one and turn a whole game around for the better. It's endearing to watch big sisters patiently stand by and offer just a little assistance when a little girl insists on dressing or feeding herself. But the truly golden moments, precious and rare, are the ones when the older children encourage each other.

It might be as simple as a look, a shared smile, and understanding pat on the back. Every once in awhile, it's a full-fledged pep talk. And those are the times when I can barely contain myself. I want to shout from the rofftops, "just as you are doing!' Do it again!" But I refrain, because they'd probably think that really weird.

What about God? When He watches us, brothers and sisters in Christ? Does He want to remind us to encourage one another? When we get it right does He wish He could say "Just as you are doing! Do it again!" Actually, He already said it. It's up to us to take it to heart.

It's up to us to pray for the grace and the sensitivity to be genuinely encouraging to one another.

 Do we inspire with courage, spirit, or hope?  I know I encourage my children; it comes naturally and I've been encouraging since the day they were born. It's compeltely counterintuitive and unnatural to me to be anything but encouraging.   But what of the non-kid relationships? We are called to community and in that community, we are called to encourage.

Can I do that?

Can I be courageous and step out of my comfort zone in order to hearten someone else, particularly another woman? The encouraging words that flow so naturally when I look into the face of a child, will they come for my neighbor? Yes, by the grace of God.

And I pray for that grace.

Small Steps focuses on courage this month. Would you share your thoughts with us, let us find you and walk with you? I'd be so grateful and so honored to have you as a companion. Please leave a link to your blog post below and then send your readers back here to see what others have said.You're welcome to post the Small Steps Together banner button also.

Attachment Parenting and Sacrifice

I beg your pardon as I post another from the archives. We've spent three nights in the Emergency Room this week. Lots of time to knit. No time for blogging (or laundry or dusting or vacuuming). So, as I catch up on the household things, I do hope this piece is good food for thought.

A few weeks ago, I read a thread from a Catholic attachment parenting list. The thread expressed concerns with this post. Ironically, when Sally wrote her essay, she was addressing those who thought that we cannot parent effectively without spanking. The people who were objecting to my post were objecting to any discipline or training at all. Attachment parenting has never advocated a “no consequences” approach. It has promoted a deep attachment to the child and a gentle (but firm) discipline style. Gentle discipline does not mean lack of all discipline whatsoever.

In the post I read, a brief time alone as a means of correcting a child is likened to abandoning the child. I was asked, “when did God ever abandon us?" He didn't and He doesn't. But Jesus spent time alone in the Garden of Gethsamane. And Jesus himself called out to His Father, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" Of course He hadn't abandoned Him. But even Jesus, the human son who was God, felt abandoned. Sometimes, in real life, we can feel like we've been abandoned. Sometimes, in real life, God allows us to feel that in order to draw us closer. In order to attach more firmly to us.

“Attachment parenting” has come to have broader meanings than it used to have. A false dichotomy has been set up by some users of this parenting term.They say that they want to propagate “teaching through attachment” vs. “using rewards and consequences.” Life is full of rewards and consequences. There have been very real consequences for our actions since the Garden of Eden. Parents who are attached--truly tuned in and understanding of their children--will quickly recognize that children need to be taught how to handle the rewards and consequences of life with virtue. And that is our duty as Catholic parents. Nothing can be called "Catholic Attachment Parenting" if we don't intentionally set about train our children in virtue. Children are not born adults. They are born persons. Young, immature persons who desperately need the firm and loving guidance of their parents in order to make wise choices and to grow in wisdom and stature.

The Catholic AP list moms, "wonder if it is possible to merge [Elizabeth's] orderly home/life style with complete surrender to attachment parenting and abandonment of punishment." I am not completely surrendered to any parenting philosophy developed by man. I am completely surrendered to the will of God. Big difference. I will not dig in my heels over an "Attachment Parenting" checklist (that seems to change) to the detriment of my children's moral development. Furthermore, my goal here is not to be Attached Parent of the Year; it is to raise godly men and women who will bring glory to their Lord.My babies (and sometimes big kids;-) sleep in my bed. I'm nursing a toddler through a hyperemesis pregnancy in order to tandem nurse for the fifth time. I've never hired a babysitter. We don't spank. We take our kids with us everywhere, particularly when they are younger than three. I think we're pretty attached according to Attachment Parenting as I first understood it.  I love Sally's term for her approach to training a child to meet the rewards and punishments of life: It's grace-based parenting; it's Heartfelt Discipline. Attachment parenting is simple when the children are very young. It's not easy, but is simple. You meet their wants and so you meet their needs. You pour out yourself body and soul for little ones who rely on you for their everything. It's hard physical labor, demanding as it is rewarding. This is your scrifice, your body, given up for them.

And then it gets more difficult. I've always thought that home education is the logical progression after attachment parenting babies and preschoolers. We still want to stay connected in order to effectively nurture our children and home education affords us the opportunity of huge quantities of time in which to do that. We need every minute of that time because it's been my experience that it comes as quite a shock to a child to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him. And he learns it when he's eighteen months, again when he's about five and in a very big way at fourteen. Every step of the way, the attached parent nurtures and disciples the child. She teaches him, first through her own example and then through careful training and discipline, that he is here on earth to know, love, and serve God. Only. That's it. In order to live up to that calling, the child is going to need a huge quantity of virtue. And he's not going to get it by demanding it;nor will he get it simply by breathing the air. Someone is going to have to truly put the child's needs first and do the hard work of training him in virtue.

Charlotte Mason wrote that education is an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life. So, when the moms at the Catholic AP List wonder if it's possible to have an orderly home and lovely lifestyle merge with "complete surrender to attachment parenting and abandonment of punishment," I tell them that an orderly home and lovely lifestyle support a family striving for holiness. I contend that an orderly home and a lovely atmosphere, together with attachment parenting and the expectation that a child will live up to the high moral standards of a family render punishment almost unnecessary. I also respect the fact that sometimes I will be called to punish in order to teach. An orderly home provides the child much-needed structure. There is enormous comfort in a rhythmic family life. An attached parent brings the child into the rhythm of the family--not the other way around. It takes self-discipline and sacrifice to establish and maintain rhythm. If there is an established and thoughtful and well-guarded family rhythm, the new child relaxes into that and is secure in its predictability. If chaos is the standard operating mode, the child quickly becomes a chaotic tyrant. Attachment parenting does not mean that one is ruled by an immature infant. It means that a mother intentionally sacrifices to meet the needs of her baby and to ensure that he always is safe and secure. But she is the big person. She is in charge. And he is very, very grateful for that.

The Catholic AP List moms say that they are trying to do away with consequences. I think that is an unhealthy idea. Why would we want to do away with consequences? If my husband decides not to go to work, there are consequences. If I don't clean the kitchen for several days, there are consequences. If we give in to our passions and commit mortal sins, there are eternal consequences. Why in the world would you want to raise a child in an artificial environment devoid of consequences? I'm not into complicated reward and punishment lists. I've never had one. We have no token economy, no complicated system of rewards and punishments. We just have real life and there are rewards and punishments aplenty built into authentic family life.

I don't believe that in a healthy family, chores are optional and nothing should be "required"of a child. One of my chores is driving to soccer practice. There are lots of days I don't feel like making that rush hour drive. I do it because it's important to my children and because deep-down I know there is value in it.It's difficult to remember that value when it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I'm exhausted and really just want to sleep. But I'm a grownup and someone taught me to do my duty even when I don't feel like it. And soccer carpooling is my duty. I think it's asking a lot to expect an eight-year-old to grasp that emptying the dishwasher promptly is important to the family and has inherent value. I explain that concept (several times, actually), but then I require it. And I draw the correlation. "If you can't help me in the kitchen, I will be here doing this chore when it's time to leave for soccer." Are these consequences? Am I threatening punishment? I don't know. I don't think about it too much. It's reality. There are only so many hours in the day. We all have to chip in. It's part of living in community.

I do not believe that attachment parenting excludes any discipline at all any more than I believe that unschooling excludes requiring a child to do certain academic things. That same eight-year-old doesn't know that if he refuses to do any math at all for several years, it's going to be much harder to "get it" and get enough of it when he figures out that he needs math in order to achieve his long-term goals. And then there's also that sticky little issue of compliance with state law. I'm all for following rabbit trails and keying into children's strengths. I'm all for gentle learning and lots of individual attention and guidance. I'm all for staying attached and knowing your child so well that you can discern the best of the best for him educationally. I also understand the times in life when we need to be in “survival mode,” only doing the bare essentials. And I believe in mercy and grace. I'm not for letting the child decide if he's going to work or not depending on whether it's entertaining or fun enough. Sometimes, life isn't fun; that's when we have an opportunity to practice cheerful obedience in the spirit of St. Therese.

So, no, I don't believe that an orderly home and lovely atmosphere are at all at odds with meeting the needs of our children in a healthy manner. Indeed, I believe that order and atmosphere support healthy attachment. I believe that much sacrifice is asked of a parent as she endeavors to raise a child in faith and grace. And one thing that a parent needs to remember as she continually sacrifices for the welfare of her child is that she must be mindful of her duty to make him strong so that he, in turn, will grow up to be a man who continually sacrifices for another in faith, with grace.

During Lent, the thoughts of the church turn to sacrifice: prayer, fasting, almsgiving.  Small Steps focuses on sacrifice this month. Would you share your thoughts with us, let us find you and walk with you? I'd be so grateful and so honored to have you as a companion. Please leave a link to your blog post below and then send your readers back here to see what others have said.

Relationship and Sacrifice

I’ve gotten several e-mails recently asking parenting advice. I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable answering those requests. I’m learning as I go and I don’t presume to know enough to comment on someone else’s home situation with an authority at all, particularly when all I know is what I read in an e-mail.

All I can do is offer observations from experience gained in more than 20 years of parenting a large family. From my own experience, in my own house, my overriding parenting principle is to stay close to your children and to stay close to God. It’s simple advice, but not easy advice.

In the excellent book, Hold On to Your Kids, the authors write:

“No matter what problem or issue we face in parenting, our relationship with our children should be the highest priority. Children do not experience our intentions, no matter how heartfelt. They experience what we manifest in tone and behavior. We cannot assume that children will know what our priorities are: we live our priorities.

“Many a child for whom the parents feel unconditional love receives the message that this love is very conditional indeed … unconditional acceptance is the most difficult to convey exactly when it is most needed: when our children have disappointed us, violated our values or made themselves odious to us. Precisely at such times, we must indicate, in word or gesture, that the child is more important than what he does.”

There are two aspects to staying attached to children that I want to unpack from that quote. And then, I’ll look at staying close to God.

The first aspect of attachment is that we absolutely have to be honest with the way we spend our time. If our families are our first priority, then we need to devote more time and attention to them than anything else (except Our Lord — but I think we serve God when we serve our families). That means that every time we are presented with a choice about how to spend time — and there are countless times every single day — we choose according to priority. It’s not a stretch to say that most parents don’t do this. They choose work. They choose adult social relationships. They choose hobbies.

“But I need to work to support them!” goes up the cry. “But I need friends, too!” “But I need to pursue a creative outlet or a sport of my own.” Of course you do. So do I. It’s disordered, however, to ignore our children in order to support them. It’s ridiculous to spend more time developing and nurturing relationships with our neighbors, while our precious child gets the leftovers of our social attention. It’s silly to devote time to creative or athletic endeavors to the neglect of the children we co-created with God. It is up to each of us to discern if we truly manage our time according to our professed priorities.

The second aspect of attachment addressed in the quote is the idea that we love our children even when we don’t love what they do. This seems so simple and every parent I know would affirm that they do, indeed, love their children unconditionally. But many a child would tell you that they don’t know that.

I was in a fast food restaurant the other day. I spoke with six of my children at the table before leaving them to go order our food. I made my expectations for behavior clear. This was one of those times when all the stars lined up and every single one of them was good as gold. Sometimes, it happens. Actually, often it happens, and it has very little to do with the stars and everything to do with how hard we work as a family at behaving well so that we can all enjoy each other. The man in the booth next to them was not enjoying his children. And he told them so. He pointed to mine and asked his why they couldn’t be more like mine. Then, he looked at me and said, “You’re really lucky. You have good kids.”

I caught the eyes of his children and I wanted to cry. His implication was that he did not have good kids. I am certain that this man loved his kids, but if I had been his child at that moment, I would have asked myself if my dad valued me at all or if he valued some stranger’s children more than me.

One thing is certain: I wouldn’t be inclined to go out of my way to be particularly well-behaved for him. If he acted that way often enough, I’d just give up, resign myself to never “winning” his love and move on to other relationships. The best case scenario would find me flourishing in a relationship of well-expressed unconditional love away from my father. The worst case scenario would find me in a string of hurtful relationships. Chances are good I’d not be inclined to behave well.

The point is that everything we say and every behavior we manifest toward our children has an effect on them for good or ill. They feel and absorb our every action. We need to act with them in mind, every single time. Parenting with empathy is good parenting. Period.

We need to stay close to our children and we need to stay close to God. Attachment parenting requires sacrifice. God is the expert at sacrifice. There is no mentor better than Christ on the cross. We are good parents when we embrace our vocations with our whole beings; when we see that there is no greater privilege than to be someone’s parents; when we love wholeheartedly, unabashedly and with the self-donation of the Savior Himself.

{reprinted from the archives of catholicherald.com}

As Lent begins, the thoughts of the church turn to sacrifice: prayer, fasting, almsgiving.  Small Steps focuses on sacrifice this month. Would you share your thoughts with us, let us find you and walk with you? I'd be so grateful and so honored to have you as a companion. Please leave a link to your blog post below and then send your readers back here to see what others have said.