The Beatitudes for Wives
/A funny thing happened on the way to the Real Learning Conference last summer. I asked three of my friends to speak at that conference. Kim, Rebecca, and Bridget all considered it, ever so briefly. And all three of them turned me down. Each explained that she needed to be home, with her family, and, in particular, with her husband. Each of them expressed to me that they knew that they were needed at home, by the men in their lives and that while I could find another speaker, their roles at home could not be filled by someone else. Time told us just how wise each of those decisions were in the lives of their families. I promise you none of them has regretted her decision. But...they had persuaded me to take my talk on relationships and expand it to include marriage. And since they weren't coming in person, but I knew that they had so much to offer on the topic I begged them to help me write the marriage section. What follows is what we brainstormed together. The whole talk can be found here. It's called "A Loving Lifestyle: It's all About Relationships."
…my
husband and I have weathered our first teenaged storm, with two more well
underway. What did we learn? How do we make a family-centered lifestyle of
learning work over the long haul? How do
we stay connected to ALL our children?
We
begin before the child. We begin with our marriages. Does your husband know with all confidence
that despite the fact that you are home all day with your children and you are
undertaking their education yourself (a very fulltime job), you have enough of
you to give him? Does he know that he comes first? Because he does. And he
must. That’s God’s design. The health of your family and the success of home
education really are contingent upon the health of your marriage.
The
overriding principle of attachment parenting is that we don’t want control, we
want relationship. That is, we need to shed our illusion that we can control
another human being and focus instead on how we control ourselves and how we
meet our own challenges and duties.
Briefly, I want to share with you the Beatitudes for Wives.
Let’s talk about how to nurture the lifelong relationship, the one that is left
when all your children are grown and gone. The one that nurtures you –and
them—now. Living God's plan for marriage is the best way to achieve the goal of
helping each other get to heaven. It's also the best foundation for our kids.
When they have been raised in a genuinely loving environment, they are more
likely to respect and honor their parents and embrace the faith as their own.
A wife's
spirit should be simple, joyful and grateful. If you are despairing and you can’t see the
joy just now, look harder! That’s it. Turn off the internal conversation that
is negative and defeating. Just look harder. It’s there. Surely, God wanted
this man for you—look at your children! Look at the real and tangible gifts the
union brought forth. This is a blessed and beautiful life and he is a rare and
beautiful gift—this man who is open to life and provides the opportunity for
this lifestyle. God has a plan and this man most certainly is a part of it. Be Grateful. Always grateful.
We are
meek when we submit. St. Paul clearly told wives to submit to their husbands. How we live this command is not
contingent upon our husband’s behavior. Indeed, it is contingent upon our
relationship with God himself. We are to be obedient and cheerful all the time
because it is our duty, our cross, and our joy. When we take this command to
heart, our will unites to our husband’s will. They are one will, just as we
want nothing more than to want the Father’s will. Jesus didn’t say “Blessed are those who are
meek in upholding their 50% in a perfect partnership.” Or “Blessed are the meek
who are well-rested and have a cleaning lady come in weekly.” He said, Be Meek.
We need
to go about our daily round with a cheerful heart and a joyful spirit and it
should shine through for all to see. We want to be devoted to our duty and to good works in our
homes. Our hearts’ desire is to love these men well and with our whole hearts.
Faithful wives don’t look to the world for comfort and joy but seek instead the
good, holy, and happy things from God. It’s a simple, happy, interior joy that
is genuine, not fleeting and not dependent on what’s on sale at the mall this
week.
A blessed
wife will turn to God for guidance in all things. We look to the Blessed Mother
for comfort and advice. Remember, there is a difference between justice and
fairness. Justice is rooted in truth. It’s not contingent upon anything or
anyone else. It’s pure. Fairness is relative. I remind my children of this all
the time. My good behavior is not contingent upon someone else’s. I don’t care
if Patrick made faces at you, you can’t stick your chewed-up gum on his back.
It doesn’t matter if your husband forgot to kiss you goodbye this morning and
failed to notice how well you pulled off a day with five small children, a
challenge in Latin, a cranky baby, and a steak dinner. You still have to be genuinely
kind and merciful and generous with time, attention, and love. It’s not always
fair. But it is just.
A
faithful wife shows mercy to her husband, quickly forgiving his offenses and
seeking to accept him for who he is. Homeschooling moms tend to be
introspective types. We work hard on self-improvement. We think -– a lot. We have to be very, very
careful not to fall into the trap of expressing ourselves in terms of his change. I am not my husband’s Holy
Spirit. God is quite capable. I leave the changemaking to Him. Seek first and
always to understand. We want to be understood but we need to seek to
understand. God will provide. He will.
A holy wife
intends her words and actions for the good of her family-- not for praise, to
prove she’s right or to win the holy competition. We offer it all to God—all of
it. If you wouldn’t say it to Jesus, don’t say it.
Sometimes,
it’s really better to say nothing. Sometimes, what I have to say isn’t worth
the relationship, with husbands or children. This may mean letting a problem go
altogether or waiting until a better time to bring it up. Good wives make it a practice
not to complain about, belittle, or speak harshly to anyone in their homes. You
may need to turn to one friend who is helping you to grow in holiness and be
honest about your struggles with spouse or children, but never, ever run them
down to anyone. In all things, charity, particularly when it comes to hearth
and home.
This goes
with verse 6 and it’s interesting to me, when considering the beatitudes in the
context of marriage, that Christ seems to emphasize justice. Next time you
think, “It’s not fair!” ask yourself, “is it just?” Christ will console you.
Living this vocation faithfully brings lasting "joy"
for generations. And heaven. Our
vocations as wives and mothers will bring us to heaven. All in all, as Kim Fry
is fond of saying, it’s not a bad way to suffer.
It sounds daunting; it’s
completely countercultural, but you can do all things in Christ who strengthens
you. I think when we break down the task of submission and joyful motherhood into daily increments, it is very
doable. Can we wake up each morning and smile at our husbands and children,
providing for their many needs, being cheerful (or at least silent) when things
are difficult? Can we honor our husbands with our lips towards our
children? Can we be compassionate and thankful for the hard work they do each
day? Can we have meals prepared and our homes welcoming so that when they walk in the door, they feel
loved and our children know that our hearts are invested in their daddies? Can we be tender and kindhearted at the end of
the day? Can we offer ourselves completely? By the grace of God, we can. And the blessings that come with a holy
marriage will spill over into family life in abundance. Together, you and your
husband will embrace a lifestyle that is unparalleled in its goodness.
